Former QVC Producer Writes Shoplandia Novel

After 17 years at QVC, former producer Jim Beslin decided to pen a novel inspired by his time behind the scenes at the world's largest home shopping network. Shoplandia opens the studio doors and invites you into the fast-paced, high-pressure world where it's always live and anything could happen and usually does.

Jim and Victoria Principal

Who could these hosts be???????

The man in a tuxedo walked confidently onto the set, paused in the center of the stage and smiled directly into the camera with a flirtatious eye. ... The young ingenue host thought about that rush she experienced, making things up on the fly, saying things she didn’t believe just to quell the silence in the room. ... The aging prime time host worried that the suits were searching for new talent, young slim women with chirpy voices, eager-to-please types with perpetual smiles and triple pierced ears. ... The last honest salesman, a fatherly figure, mid-fifties, gracious and humorous behind his wire-rimmed glasses. just shook his head.

After reading the book, I sure have some rather strong opinions on the matter. Unfortunately for me, Jim's lips are sealed! I dream of taking Jim out for some buy one get one free margaritas and weaseling some good dirt out of him. Until that day, we can all play the guessing game, which is really half the fun!

Jim and Joan Rivers

QB: How did you end up working in the home shopping world? What jobs did you do? 

JB: I was working in news when I heard about this new channel QVC that started out in the suburban town of West Chester, PA. I realized if I was going to stay in news, I'd have to move to a new city every few years. I was hired at QVC as a line producer, which I believe is the best retail job in America. The line producer is on headsets, watching immediate sales, seeing what products America wants and doesn't want. I eventually became a managing producer and worked with brands such as Disney, Coach Fine Leathers, Sony, etc. to put their shows together. I also managed the team of coordinating producers for ten years.

QB: Like the terrible hot dog incident in Shoplandia, what was the worst home shopping fail you had to contend with--item fell apart, demo didn't work, etc.?

JB: Oh jeez. Tough one. We've had hosts and guests slice their fingers or burn themselves or singe their eyebrows while on the air. When bread bakeries were the rage, we sometimes had trouble making the bread. Sometimes it just doesn't rise correctly. One time we had a pretty famous singer who while singing on the air was hit in the head with the boom camera.

QB: What about the worst testimonial calls, or T-calls as the cool kids call them (you learn all the behind the scenes lingo in this book!)?

JB: The worst thing that could happen was getting a t-caller who would just start saying obscene things. Of course, the call would be dropped right away. It was very, very rare but it was unsettling for not just the host but for the whole crew.

Jim and Morgan Fairchild

QB: Based on the description in your book, being a show producer is a lot like being an air traffic controller--just with colliding egos instead of planes. What was the most difficult thing to juggle: host egos, celebrity vendors, frantic buyers, the "suits" from upstairs, etc.?

JB: Juggling is a good analogy. What made it fascinating was the different mix every day. Sometimes you were steadily juggling four bowling pins and then someone would throw a flaming tennis racket into the mix. The key to quality television production is proper preparation, but that was a luxury in the early days. In the story "Backtiming," you get a sense of how much line producers juggled (professionally and personally) while producing the show on the fly.

QB: Was there a type of show that was most challenging to produce--time of day, time of year, type of product, remote location, celebrity, new host, etc.?

JB: The 24-hour cook events required so much coordination. All the vendors would want prep time on the set and space was limited. In 1997, I produced Presidential Inaugural Collectibles and we set up to do a live show from Clinton's Inaugural Ball at the National Building Museum. Ten minutes before the show, our cable crapped out and we had to get into a closet that we had been told by the ball's director would be off limits after Secret Service swept the area. The whole crew was wearing tuxedos, and I had to hustle through the ball to find the director, so she could have Secret Service grant us access to the closet. We started the show about fifteen minutes late but we managed to do the broadcast. I was a total wreck.

QB: Even the non-home-shopping world is enthralled by the celebrities that visit (read about Jim's favorite celebrity encounters here) However, home shopping aficionados want to know about all the behind-the-scenes shenanigans that surrounded those appearances. Did hosts openly campaign to work with certain people? From the book, it seemed like the entire atmosphere changed when a celebrity was in the building.

JB: I did not see hosts campaign for specific shows, but I'm guessing there could be friendly rivalries. I think everyone has their own favorite celebrities who visited. When I tell people meeting Florence Henderson was one of my biggest thrills, people laugh. For me though, there was a connection because she felt like a second mom to me through The Brady Bunch.

Jim and Willie Nelson

QB: In Shoplandia, some of the hosts flipped an internal switch when the camera light turned on and suddenly became the likable boy or girl next door. Were any of them basically the same on-air and off?

JB: The hosts are the best versions of themselves when they are on the air. They are like anyone would be if they were going to dinner with their potential in-laws for the first time. They are on their best behavior if that makes sense. Working so closely with them in the studio, a producer needs to let them vent and settle them down, kind of like that moment in the first chapter. A good producer's job is to make the host feel comfortable so they can focus on their presentation. When a producer approaches a host and the host taps their mic to insure it is down, you know they are about to speak the truth.

QB: After working for so long as a producer, did you start to develop an instinct for which products, hosts, vendors, execs would last and which ones would crash and burn?

JB: Ha. We all had our opinions but that would be as hard to predict as guessing which products were going to be hits.

QB: You've seen a whole lot of changes over the years. What do you think is for the better and what do you miss about the good old days?

JB: The quality of both the products and the production has grown tremendously since 1986. What do I miss? Do I dare say the dancing numbers during the Gold Rush? Lucky Number? The Word Game? Q Bird? Ha.

QB: How much does all the criticism on the message boards bother people?

JB: Well, I was once called a "mental midget" on the message boards. Another time I was called "a marketing genius," and they didn't mean it in a positive way. I printed out both comments and have proudly pinned them to the bulletin board over my writing desk. Some of the comments could get nasty, but many were insightful.



QB: When people found out where you worked, did they ever try to audition for you?

JB: Nobody broke into an audition, but women often told me they think they should be a host or their friends always tell them they should audition.

QB: Like one of the minor characters in book, do most home shopping fans claim that they just keep QVC on in the background (while wearing a Susan Graver top with Quacker Factory pants, of course)?

JB: There's a range. So many people do just watch occasionally and pick up a few things a year. Even now that I've left the Q, I love chatting with home shopping fans to hear their opinions. Each person has a particular host or show they love and someone else that they don't enjoy watching. 

QB: Can you watch QVC now without getting heart palpitations? Is there anything you buy? 

JB: I think like most recovering producers, I talk to my television. Whether I'm watching a home shopping show, or the local news, or a live sporting event, if the talent hesitates before speaking into the camera, I'll yell, "You're up! You're up! YOU'RE LIVE!" I also have the bad habit of replying "copy that" when my wife asks if I heard her. I just bought the Kansas City Steakburgers last week. Grilling season is here!

QB: While you were at the Q, was there someone who could sell you?

JB: Good question. In the book, the host Frankie Mack tells a new show host how his mother asked him if she should buy a certain hand cream and he told his mother, "if I loved you, I wouldn't sell you this." I do think some hosts, even sometimes the callers, will convey a surprisingly good reason why a product would make a good purchase. The advantage of being a producer was I could go over and check out the product myself. My soft spot for products was autographed cookbooks. I'd always break down when I had a chance to get a cookbook signed. My collection includes Julia Child, Graham Kerr, Emeril Lagasse, Paul Prudhomme, and the Two Fat Ladies.

Up close, the current show host had gray hair and mounds of makeup caked on his sweaty, beefy forehead. He smiled into the camera and teased, “Don’t go away, you won’t believe what we have next.”

Oh my, oh my, who could that be??? Shoplandia is available now on Amazon. Read it and take a guess!

Lisa Robertson Wiggles and Jiggles

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! The other night on PM Style, Lisa Robertson finally let down her guard and let loose, breaking it down with the infamous Women With Control "No More Wiggle, No More Jiggle" dance! Haters be damned!

So what exactly is the story behind the "No More Wiggle, No More Jiggle" dance? How did this home shopping rump shaking thing get started in the first place?

Building New York:New York Stories, hosted by Michael Stoler. August 6, 2012. Renée Greenstein, President & Owner of Two Chicks in the Backroom.

Now this has absolutely nothing to do with nothing, but Renée’s ethnicity is so interesting and diverse, I just have throw it in here. She is a combination of Ethiopian, Scottish, Native American, and German decent. Her mother is Jewish, but she went to Catholic theology school. And she’s a Canadian to boot! She is a one woman United Colors of Benetton ad.

After deciding against theology school, Renee attended the Fashion Institute NY, worked as a fit model, and then moved into fashion sales. Eventually, she worked for a company that sold private label clothing to QVC. (On a side note ... Could Renee be the woman behind the mysterious Jessica Holbrook line? Who is Jessica Holbrook, exactly?) While working behind the scenes at the Q, Renee met Bob Johnson—which you will probably remember  from the old Mojave Magic makeup line—who encouraged her to go out on her own. So in 2001, her company Two Chicks in the Backroom was born.

Renee brought the Slinky fabric to QVC, but they were forced to change the name when Horizon Mills (who was working with HSN at the time) sued. Slinky can still be found on HSN today, always and forever with that ridiculous little registered trademark sign beside the name. Renee came up with the name Citiknits, which QVC promptly trademarked, and for the first time she started working in front of the camera. Renee eventually left Citiknits, which is currently dying a slow, painful death at the Q, and started Attitudes by Renee and later added Women With Control. The main difference, of course, is that she owns those names, not QVC.

One fateful night during a Women With Control presentation, QVC model, Jacqui Thompson, uttered those famous words for the first time, “no more wiggle, no more jiggle,” and Renee immediately had them trademarked. The rest, as they say, is history.

Sometimes cringe-worthy, sometimes funny, but always pure home shopping cheesiness... take it away girls...

There Will Never Be Another Jacqueline Kennedy Collection

"Don't let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment that was known as Camelot."

Phil Katz with QVC Host Sandra Bennett

Early Monday morning after I walked the dog, I settled down with a freshly brewed a cup of coffee and my laptop to check the new clearance items on the Q. I was surprised to find row after row of items from the Jacqueline Kennedy Collection. At first, I was thrilled. I love the line, but never purchased anything. Maybe something special would hit the magic price point for me, or—glory be!—have free shipping. And then the realization slowly dawned on me. I've been here before. This line, like so many others before, was coming to an end.

The Jacqueline Kennedy Collection shows have always been some of my favorite home shopping entertainment. I love nothing more than watching a BBC documentary on just about any historical figure or event no matter how seemingly obscure. Clearly, I also love home shopping. If the two ever had a baby, it would be the representative of the collection, Phil Katz. He is passionate about his products without sounding like an obnoxious carnival barker. He weaves tales about each piece that breathes new life into them. Armed with just his storytelling ability, a handful of pictures, and his ever-present pointer stick, he takes an ordinary looking piece and magically transforms it into the most sophisticated jewelry ever created, all with a soft-spoken demeanor and—like Jackie—an understated elegance.

Yes, I know he idolizes Jacqueline Kennedy a bit too much and tends to gloss right over some of the less flattering details of her life, but we all already know more than enough about all the shenanigans that went on during Camelot. Ladies, if your husband ever begins showering you with $50,000 custom-made pieces of jewelry from Tiffany’s and Cartier, I think it’s safe to assume he is probably doing the horizontal hokey-pokey with Marilyn Monroe.

Phil Katz destroying the tooling

I had hoped that QVC was just dropping the line and it would reappear elsewhere. But, sadly, the Camrose & Kross is ending production. And, just to drive the point home, the molds are being smashed live on the air. Phil has stated that the last of Coco Channel’s original Czech glass pearl factories closed its doors and that they weren't able to duplicate the quality at other factories. And what would a Jacqueline Kennedy collection be without her signature pearls?

Or could the line could be ending because of Caroline Kennedy isn't happy with it?

Then, last August, a friend of Caroline’s told The Post that she couldn't believe QVC was selling reproductions of Jackie’s jewelry. “Trust me,” the source said. “Jackie wouldn't have been caught dead wearing this stuff.”  — New York Post

Seems odd to me that she would be fine with auctioning off her mother’s actual things and fine with selling this same line of reproductions at the JFK Presidential Library and Museum, but suddenly offended that they are sold on QVC. Perhaps she should be flattered that people still hold her mother in such high esteem. Phil Katz certainly wastes no opportunity to gush over her!

According to the Camrose & Krose Facebook message this is an ending that is long past due:

For the last 10 years, we have had the honor and privilege of sharing a Jacqueline Kennedy story with you through the romance of her jewelry and accessories collections. From the start, we always knew that the product would be limited in availability and duration. Due to the amazing support and loyalty of you, our customers we have extended the time line far beyond our original intentions; and now we feel it is time to bring this fabulous chapter to a close. We have rendered all the pieces in her collection that are currently available to us. We will continue to offer the line only as long as inventory exists. 

Regardless of the reason, with the loss of another unique line from QVC’s ever-shrinking lineup, we can now look forward to even more tiresome infomercial-like hours of expensive vacuum cleaners, blenders, speakers, and mattresses. Supposedly, an Audrey Hepburn collection is in the works and hopefully will be coming soon, but I can’t imagine that the stories will resonate as deeply. As Jacqueline Kennedy once famously said, “There will never be another Camelot.”

And, yes, I finally broke down and ordered a piece for myself—the Castellani bracelet. The piece itself, the history of it, and the meaning behind it are all beautiful to me.

QVC Host Alberti Popaj’s Body of Work

Before QVC, new host Alberti Popaj was not afraid to flaunt his considerable assets in the entertainment industry. And, no, I’m not talking about being a vendor rep for Alterna hair products. Boyfriend can sing, act, dance, and—as Sophia from the Golden Girl’s once said—he has buns like Baryshnikov!

According to IMDB, he’s been an aspiring actor for several years, playing small roles in movies like Rush Hour 3 and working on some small art-house style shorts like Gratitude and Still Lives.



"'still lives' is the story of a man and a woman falling in - and out - of love, told through black and white still photographs, set to the music of ravel and satie. directed by michael rababy"

By the way, he does get a little ... ahem ... naked in the Still Lives movie during a romantic bedroom scene. Not that you’re interested in seeing his derriere in the least, because I'm sure you're not. (If you're too lazy to watch the entire movie--which you should--just click here. But, remember while you’re clicking directly to the money scene that you should be very, very ashamed of yourself for doing so!)



Showing that David isn't the only host who can make a yum-yum face, Alberti also did some funny Sonic commercials in which he’s having a love affair with a hamburger. I can totally relate. I once had a clandestine affair with a thin-crust pepperoni and jalapeno pizza with extra cheese. Guuurl, was it ever hawt!

Most recently, Alberti played the smart aleck wine steward in the TV show, Susanna, featuring Maggie Grace and Anna Paquin.



Before the acting career, Alberti was also a model and quite the heartthrob pop star. Shkruaj ne emailin tim (which I think is Albanian for "Write to my email") was the winner of the 2006 "Best Male Video" at the Video Fest Awards in Prishtina, Kosova. He also won a Zhurma Show Award in 2004. I don’t know what these award shows are exactly, but I’m guessing they're a foreign version of the American Grammy Awards. Here he is accepting an award and here he is performing live at the show.

According to his QVC blog, Alberti beat out 10,000 people to get his hosting job. And now you know the skills it took for him to do it!

Jamie Kern Lima: Baywatch Babe

Jamie Kern on Baywatch

QVC fans know her as the founder of IT Cosmetics who struggles with hereditary rosacea and has a love of face sculpting. But Jamie Kern Lima actually started her career in front of the camera by winning the Baywatch College Search Contest in 1998/99 (depending on the source). Check out some pictures here, but be forewarned that whoever posted them is not exactly her number one fan.

Jamie Kern in Miss USA Pageant

Jamie also won the Miss Washington USA pageant in 1999 and went on to compete in the Miss USA 2000 pageant (You can catch her entrance around the 4:25 mark). At the time, according to Pageant News Bureau, Jamie said she "wanted to be the next Barbara Walters"

What is it with these home shopping folks and beauty pageants? Forget baton twirling and insipid questions about world peace, all pageant contestants need to be given a product to pitch during the evening gown competition. Whoever has the most sales by the end of the night, will be crowned the winner.




From there, Jamie was able to land a gig on the first season of Big Brother. She didn't win, but she was the last woman to be banished from the house. She was also given the nickname “Hollywood” by the other contestants since she really wanted to be an actress. You can check out some pics here and here.

Apparently, these Big Brother rivalries never end. Someone went so far as to create a fake twitter account in Jamie's name and tweet out some really nasty stuff. I can’t imagine that she would be stupid enough to publicly make fun of another contestant’s “fake tits" or tell them that they will get cancer from all the Botox they use. I don’t know for a fact that it’s fake, but it wasn't a verified account and it has since been disabled. Take a look at a screenshot of Jamie's fake twitter account here.

Jamie met her future husband, Paulo Lima, while studying for her MBA. They got married at the Seattle Space Needle on 7/7/07. (see really cute picture of Jamie and Paulo on their wedding day). Her maid of honor was CNN/HLN anchor Natasha Curry.

Jamie then worked as a reporter for KNDU and KPTV, but found that covering local murder stories every day was not the sort of glamorous journalism she wanted to do. Inspiration struck after struggling with her own makeup.

The white space just presented itself. [...] I remember in the middle of one newscast—it was during a break—and I wiped my forehead and my eyebrow came off. I started searching for problem-solving products, and there really weren’t any. - Businessweek

In the beginning, she used her middle name to be her own fake assistant and had actresses living in her home in exchange for them doing packaging work. But how did she manage to get on the Q?

I’d been sending my products to them for a long time and always heard “no.” We were at an awards event, and their buyers actually tried the products and freaked out. We launched IT Cosmetics on QVC. I knew our product was amazing and I knew when women get it home it will change their lives – but before any of that happens you have to sell. I was shaking like a leaf and the producer kept telling me in my ear “calm down…..calllllmmmmmmm down.” I found out later he was communicating with the production staff to get ready for me to faint live on air. - Beauty and the Feast Blog

So, all you aspiring QVC beauty product vendors, sending samples to buyers does NOT work! You need to stalk them down at awards shows and forcibly give them makeovers in the bathroom. Also, be sure to wear your beauty pageant crown so they know that you're in the secret club.

IT Cosmetics recently got a big investment from investment firm TSG (they previously backed Smashbox and Elf) . Unfortunately, when the big bucks start rolling in, these cosmetics companies inevitably get too big for their britches and the brand starts to suffer. I certainly hope not. Like Jamie, I have hereditary rosacea and need that Bye Bye Under Eye!

Lisa Robertson: Miss Resaca Beach Poster Girl 1988

By now, we all know that QVC host Lisa Robertson got her start on the pageant circuit, winning the Miss Tennessee and Pearl Princess titles. However, she also competed in a lesser-known pageant: the Miss Resaca Beach Poster Girl Contest.

I know it looks like a seedy contest held in the backroom of a seedy bar, but the prize was nothing to sneeze at. The winner got to represent the sponsor at events nationwide, get $5,000 in cash, a one-week expense-paid vacation with $1,000 in spending money, a year’s worth of hair care products, and, of course, you get your own professionally produced swimsuit poster. Maybe that’s not much compared to current estimates of Lisa’s net worth, but back then it would have been a windfall.

Calhoun Times - June 1, 1988

In 1983, Marla Maples, who went on to become one of Donald Trumps many beauty pageant wives, was the first winner of the contest. Lisa was the runner-up in 1987 and the winner in 1988. Guess who was one of the judges? Marla Maples.

Even if you don't click on any other links, make sure you check out Lisa's page on the Miss Resaca Beach website. It's worth it for the huge eighties hair alone! Tease it to Jesus, girl!!!

Josie Maran: Sex, Love, and Argan Oil

Are you tired of hearing the Josie “AAArrraaahhgan Oil” Maran story about meeting the 127-year-old woman with skin as smooth as a baby’s bum? Maybe we should cut her some slack. Maybe Josie’s lived a very boring, sheltered life and just doesn’t have any other tales to tell? Oh my, my, my … turns out she has many stories from her past that are way more colorful.

Maybe she could regale us with tales of working for the world famous boy band, the Backstreet Boys. Josie played the love interest of heartthrob Howie in the music video for “Everybody,” which is a dangerous thing to do. If those hoards of little 13-year-old boy band fans think you might be getting your dirty paws on one of their boys, they are more vicious than David Venable guarding the last bowl of mac and cheese! But what did she really think of them?

“I also appeared in an old Backstreet Boys video where Howie is a vampire sucking blood from my neck. It was really sexy, kind of an orgasm scene. There was controversy because Backstreet Boys fans thought that I must be his girlfriend. He had to go out onstage and say, ‘That wasn’t my girlfriend in the video.’ He did ask me for my number, though. I said no. They’re nice guys, but butt ugly. And they weren’t all that famous yet, either. I really hate their music, especially when you have to hear it all the time.” – Maxim August 2000

Ouch! But unlike most people in the fashion and beauty industry, at least Josie has always been honest about her shallowness!

“I'm really shallow when I come to guys. I only date really good looking, well-endowed guys, with great bodies. My friends are always going on at me. I'm like "I can't help it! I'm just a woman with high standards!" – IMDB

Or perhaps we could listen to a little ol’ radio program called The Howard Stern Show (part 1, part 2). Back in 2000, Josie made an appearance on the show, known for decades to be raunchy, disgusting, and over-the-top, with her then live-in boyfriend, magician David Blaine.

David Blaine

Fiona Apple

Josie and David met on the set of a Fiona Apple video shoot. He was dating Fiona and Josie was working as a stand in for her. The two girls look very similar, so apparently, David has a type. Probably he was just looking for a less crazy version.

Now if you agree to talk to Howard Stern, you know what you’re signing up for. Being the boring schlub that I am, I would be forced to make something up … like how I like to be flogged with a Quaker Factory rainbow sparkle shirt while I stuff myself with gluten free muffins (doesn’t everyone???). During the interview, Josie and David discuss—among many other things—how they used to get busy eight times a day, but now it’s down to just twice a day, how they’re really into spanking (especially in restaurants? I didn’t quite understand that bit!), and all about the hot tub three-ways they enjoy with her model friends. Seriously. I don’t care what or who you’re into doing. Really, I don’t. Have at it! But broadcasting it to the world? I don’t get that. Maybe she just got caught up in the moment or was under the spell of the magician. Howard did keep asking her if she was high, so maybe that was the problem (although she emphatically denied it).

In all fairness, her original aspiration before the model/actress/beauty product career was to be a sex therapist.

“I wanted to be a sex therapist—a hipper Dr. Ruth. I’ve never had a boring conversation about sex. When you talk about sex, people come alive. My friends told me, ‘You know, guys are going to come to talk about their wives, but then they’re going to want to sleep with you.’ I figured I’d just wear a bag over my head.” – IMDB

And to do lots of hands-on research for the job.

“My dream is to have sex twice a day. Every time I get into bed, I want it.” – Maxim August 2000

Lawdy, I don’t think that I could handle that much Quacker Factory shirt flogging and gluten free muffin eating.

Josie also got in hot water over some naughty farm girl photos. According to an article in Gene Simmons’ Tongue (is that really a thing?), Maran almost lost her contract with Maybelline over a racy photo shoot she did for Sisley involving farm animals (Check out the pictures here. They aren’t porn, but definitely not Maybelline clean.)

Since then, it seems like Josie has tried to clean up her act a bit. She played sultry vampire Marishka opposite Hugh Jackman in in the movie Van Helsing, and played Mia in the video game Need for Speed: Most Wanted (yes, video games use live actors now). She also did a stint on Dancing with the Stars, but unfortunately for Josie, she was the first one to get the boot.

Josie also has a documentary coming out called Where the Sun Kisses the Ocean with fellow QVC vendor Joan Rivers. Described on IMDB as, “Stunning sky beautiful ocean stirring music and poetry weave together to take you on a journey that will leave you uplifted and open your hart [sic].” 

Hey, she’s always been a nature lover!

“I like to hang out with monkeys. I've always had a fascination with them. I feel like I'm very close to the monkey species because I like to play in the trees and get dirty. I have some friends — some chimps — in Malibu that I go and hang out with that are pretty interesting.” – Esquire,May 2004 

I have to agree with her. Animals are my favorite people.

Josie is currently married to photographer Ali Alborzi. They have two daughters, Rumi Joon, born on June 20, 2006 and Indi Joon, born on July 1, 2012. She discusses her home births in a recent People article, sparking endless mommy wars on the safety of home births.

So, next time it’s a full hour of Josie Maran Cosmetics on QVC, and she breaks into that same old lady with the great skin tale, just think about one of these more entertaining stories to get you through!

Bonus home shopping tie-in: In 2004, Josie was in the band “Darling” with fellow QVC vendor, Nicole Richie. Doesn’t look like much of anything came of the venture though.

Problems Home Shopping Hosts Have

If you listen to any home shopping host long enough, you will discover that they live lives full of problems and obstacles that we mere mortals could never fully grasp.

1) Casual acquaintances frequently show up unannounced at their houses demanding thoughtful gifts from their well-stocked gift closets.

2) On their days off, hosts are forced against their will to shop in upscale designer retail stores and be utterly shocked--shocked, I tell you!--by the high prices, sub-par quality, and limited selection.

3) That random person who popped by unexpectedly is now demanding that the host whip up a gourmet meal in minutes!

4) Due to moaning, groaning, eye rolling, lip smacking, and spontaneous dancing with each and every bite, hosts are rarely able to finish a meal before it gets cold.

5) Every day, hosts hawk miracle products that literally changed their lives; but, years later, they are still hosts who hawk stuff.

6) Because their inconsiderate friends are always springing formal events on them at the last possible moment, hosts need amazing, amazing accessories to take their wardrobe staples from day to night in a snap.

7) Hosts overheat easily! They frequently "melt the phone lines down," and, by law, they are only allowed to use flameless candles unless supervised by a trained producer.

8) Perpetually upset that they have so little time to spend with their families, hosts spend all their free time relentlessly hunting for the best time-saving devices.

9) Close friends of hosts are cursed! They seem to be afflicted with an endless stream of embarrassing hair loss, stinky poop and saggy boobs. Although host are able to repeatedly broadcast their woes, they lack the ability actually help them.

10) It takes hosts forever to get through the grocery store checkout line since they are compelled to congratulate all the other customers on each of their purchases.

11) Unless hosts develop quick reflexes, they suffer traumatic head injuries from all those products that are literally "flying out the door!"

12) Ever fearful that they might "see themselves coming and going," hosts never hang mirrors near doors or in hallways.

13) Hosts are so addicted to gourmet coffee, that they are able to finance anything by just giving up lattes!

Let's be honest, being a home shopping host is a profession fraught with difficulties. I, for one, think that we all need to take the time to be more understanding of their arduous plight.

--qb ;-)

Standing Out in the Rain with Joan Rivers

(Note: There are what some would consider spoilers in this movie review. So if you want to see the movie completely "unspoiled," don't read any further!)

With my 100-calorie white cheddar popcorn bags safely tucked away in my purse, I was finally on my way to see the new documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. I knew that if I didn't sneak in a quasi-healthy snack option with me I would either cave and buy the movie theater hypertension-in-a-bucket popcorn with extra squirts of buttery flavored cholesterol or I would sit there miserable listening to the torturous sounds of everyone else blissfully munching away.

The theater was filled with innocent-looking grey-haired ladies wearing cluster rings on their fingers and cardigan sweaters draped over their shoulders. But looks can be deceiving. Those little old ladies might be sweet, pie-baking grandmas, but by the sounds of their giggling and guffawing, they loved a raunchy Joan Rivers' vagina joke just as much as the gaggle of gay men sitting two rows down from me.

After approximately twenty seven previews and commercials, the movie opened with an extreme close-up of Joan getting her makeup on. Joan baring her naked face--flaws and all--set the tone for the entire movie.

Although Joan is innately funny, she stresses how hard she works to create her seemingly off-the-cuff humor. Jokes don't write themselves and she doesn't have a team of writers working for her. Never comfortable resting on her laurels, she is constantly writing new material and trying it out every week in a hole-in-the-wall New York comedy club. And every joke Joan has ever written is typed up and literally filed away in a card catalogue organized by topic. You never know when you might need to find a prostitute joke in a hurry!

Like Liberace, Joan lives in a gilded, glittering palace … or as she puts it, how Marie Antoinette would've lived if she had money. Gaudy? Yes. But could you picture Joan living in a three-bedroom, two-bath brick ranch-style house decorated with Rooms-To-Go furniture? I think not. Joan says that working her ass off to support her lavish lifestyle is worth it to her since she loves her "creature comforts." Not mention that she's also supporting a large staff, her charities, family members, and she even pays to send some of her employees' kids to private school. That's a heavy load for such a tiny lady to carry.

Joan also claims to have a deep-seated need to constantly work in order to feel fulfilled, loved, and valued as a person. She will not turn down any paying job no matter where it is or how undignified the work might be. Her biggest fear is an empty date book.

Joan is keenly aware that she has become the butt of plastic surgery jokes. And while I understand her critics, at least Joan freely admits to it! Just in home shopping land alone, there is a plethora of nipped, tucked, sucked, and injected hosts and spokespeople who refuse to admit that anything other than a magic potion (which is available for 5 easy payments of $19.99, by the way)  melted the years away. No man has ever told Joan that she was beautiful. Apparently that insecurity coupled with the pressures of show business have fueled her fetish.

But all the plastic surgery can't stop the sands of time from slipping away. The older you get, the people in your life who can remember the big milestones and the silly inside jokes begin to dwindle until no one is left. Sharing your memories keeps the people you love and the memories you cherish alive in your heart and at seventy-five, Joan is finding that there just isn't anyone left anymore who can "remember when …" with her.

Unfortunately for me, the documentary didn't focus much on Joan's jewelry line or her QVC visits. I was hoping for some interesting behind-the-scenes tidbits. Honestly, what would QVC be today if it weren't for Joan Rivers?

I will not call her an icon, a trailblazer, or a mentor since that would only piss her off. I will say that she is a brilliant comedy writer and performer who has made her own luck through a helluva a lot of hard work and perseverance.

Lightning might not strike often, but--as Joan would advise--if you want to get hit, you gotta stand out in the rain.

Queen Bea's Rotten Vacation from Hades and Other Fun Tales!

Barnacles on the pier

So I'm back from my vacation and about as caught up on emails and laundry as I can probably ever hope to be. It never ends, you know!

To put it as politely as I possible can, this vacation sucked.

I've never been a big fan of vacations in general--they're expensive, take forever to plan, take longer to recover from, and usually prove to be more stressful than just getting up and going to work. My idea of the perfect vacation involves staying at a nice hotel with tasty (albeit probably ridiculously expensive) room service a stack of all those books I haven't had time to get around to reading and another stack of movies. I wouldn't have to cook, clean, be anywhere at a certain time, or take care of anyone else. Oh, to dream the impossible dream!

That, however, was not my vacation. The family wanted to go to the beach. In order to avoid tar balls and oil slicks, we decided to head to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. I found a small hotel that had an oceanfront room, which would let us bring the dog along for the trip (she loves to travel and I hate having to board her.) 

So far, so good ... but then we got up before the crack of dawn in order to hit the road early. We probably at least should have waited until the sun came up.

Since it was so early and we were just walking from the front door to the car sitting in the driveway, my son decided to walk in his bare feet. He was planning on going right back to sleep anyway, so why bother, right? Wrong. Tragedy ensued when his foot landed squarely on the decapitated head of a rotting mouse. Apparently, one of my cats sneaked outside and caught himself a tasty snack--generously leaving the remnants for us as a present on the porch! As Rachel Ray would say, Yum-O!

Have you ever tried to wash the smell of rotting mouse  head off the foot of a screaming child at five in the morning? It's good times, folks.

View of the beach from the pier.

The dead mouse head pretty much set the tone for everything that followed. It was roughly 100 degrees, 100% humidity, and zero cloud cover. Basically, if you weren't in the water at all times, you were frying like a piece of greasy bacon. I feel like I spent most of my time in the hotel room bent over the bathtub trying to hand wash all the sand and salt out of everything. 

On a positive note, evenings on the beach were pleasant and there were a handful of highlights to the trip. 1) I got to try the buffalo chicken pizza at Ultimate California Pizza, which was awesome and totally worth cheating on my diet. 2) The fireworks display shot off from the pier right outside our balcony was great and much more than I expected. 3) Visiting the QVC Outlet.

QVC Outlet at Myrtle Beach.

Oh, yes, Queen Bea never stops working! You know I had to take the opportunity to see and touch all that amazing, amazing, amazing QVC merchandise for myself.

There were tons of kitchen things--Temptations (or however it is that they like to spell it), Cook's Essentials cookware, and even some of the expensive Polish stoneware. I even got to visit a Keurig they were selling. I missed my Keurig terribly!

There was a ton of clothes, but of course the extra long rack of sparkly Quacker Factory apparel was impossible to miss. All the usual suspects were there--Dialogue, Motto, and Susan Graver--along with a smattering of the designer duds. And I don't care what the Q says, the sizing is NOT uniform even within a particular line. I don't even know if it's possible to have perfectly uniform sizing. Women's bodies and the fashions that clothe them are just too complicated for a standard set of numbers to apply to everything. 

Oh yeah! I almost forgot. Surprisingly (to me anyway) there was quite a bit of Spanx for sale. I do love those body shapers, but I was in no mood to deal with Lycra.

I don't know if everyone is returning their Birkenstocks or if they're clearing out old stock or what, but the Q Outlet hit the freakin' Birkenstock mother load. I have also never seen so many Birkenstocks in one place before! And the prices were good too. If you're in the market for some hippie sandals, it's the place to go.

There wasn't much in the way of beauty products other than Ojon. Although after all the uproar over reselling used cosmetics, the Q probably wants to steer clear of that category completely.

There was a good selection of purses and probably worth a visit for all those hardcore Dooney collectors. And let me tell you, those B. Makowsky purses that have become ubiquitous on QVC really do feel like butter--battuh! I don't know if he massages cocoa butter on his cows every day or what, but it is truly some amazing stuff.

Of course, I had to hover around the jewelry counter for an inordinate amount of time. I think that I drove the nice jewelry ladies crazy. I really hate bothering them, but they set it up so that you have to ask them to take out each piece one by one. They were very sweet and helpful though. Like Judith Ripka always says, you have to play with your jewelry! There was a little bit of everything, but it seemed like the more expensive the designer, the less of it they carried. Or maybe the good stuff just goes fast?

The huge QVC sign over the bathrooms pointing you to where the Q store actually is. Queen Bea allegedly went into the bathrooms looking for QVC.

I finally settled on a cute pair of Veronese dangly earrings. Cute earrings that don't cost a bloody fortune are immensely good for Queen Bea's soul. And, Lord knows, I needed a little pick-me up!

The trip home involved not one, not two, but three major bumper-to-bumper, down-to-one-lane, might-as-well-put-the-car-in-park-cause-we-ain't-movin'-any-time-soon traffic jams. There were also multiple stops because people were having "digestive issues." I will spare you the details on that one. And the worst part was just trying to leave Myrtle Beach. We ended up getting caught in some heavy traffic--no, this wasn't one of the traffic jams, just congestion--in the blazing sun. The car's air conditioning just couldn't keep up and the dog nearly had heatstroke. Needless to say, it took forever to finally get home.

The ocean itself was beautiful, but I have no plans to be returning to the beach any time in the foreseeable future--or ever, for that matter!

(By the way, I do have a winner for the Float Life's a Beach Giveaway, but the winner will not email me back. If I don't hear from her today, I'll choose another winner. So if you entered, please check your email!!!)

Martha Stewart Moves from QVC to HSN

Martha Stewart, with whom I have a rather complicated relationship, is packing up her pinking shears and moving from QVC to HSN.

While I was ecstatic back when I learned that Martha decided to bring her brand of unattainable perfection to QVC, I was completely bummed to learn that she would not actually be gracing us with her presence, instead opting to send a rep in her place (read my original rant here).

However, according to the Martha Moments blog, Martha Stewart will not only be appearing herself, but also providing an exclusive demonstration on HSN on July 19th to launch the Martha Stewart Crafts line.

I can't wait! I love the way she makes me feel completely inadequate for not using naturally multicolored eggs laid by my rare designer chickens that, of course, I raised myself in my custom-built chicken coup constructed from completely sustainable materials. I told you my relationship with Martha was complicated.

Is Heidi Montag Coming to QVC?

Admittedly, I try not to keep up with what plastic-surgery-addicted celebutante Heidi Montag is doing to extend her never-ending fifteen minutes of fame; but rumors are swirling that she's trying to follow in Kim Kardashian's faux-tanned footsteps and parlay her "celebrity" into a stint on QVC.

According to Spoiled Pretty, Heidi has been looking for a place to hawk her dry shampoo ever since her short-lived stint on I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here last year. "Rumors surfaced that Heidi (Montag) Pratt had a deal with QVC to sell her upcoming line of dry shampoo. But when contacted by Access Hollywood, a QVC rep dismissed the rumor. "We currently do not have anything in the works with Heidi Pratt," the QVC rep said."

Honestly, I was ready to write off the whole Heidi dry shampoo QVC rumor as just a ridiculous rumor. I mean, surely not even QVC would sink that low! But then the infamous and all-knowing QVC message board poster "Godfreako"--who is always right and constantly getting banned--found this:

QVC Item# A202330 Heidi Montag Really Amazing Dry Shampoo (which isn't listed yet)

Of course, the post was quickly poofed by the QVC powers that be. Noooo, that's not suspicious at all.

So is there truth to the rumor? I would bet my unlifted bottom dollar that there is!

About the picture: Heidi Montag shows off her new beach body in a self-designed bikini as she hosts the grand opening of the Liquid Pool Lounge at the Aria Resort and Casino in Las Vegas. It is the first time the The Hills star and singer has been photographed in a bikini since undergoing 10 cosmetic procedures in one day late last year. The 23-year-old star underwent a mini brow lift, Botox in her brow and frownline area; a nose job revision; fat injections in cheeks, nasolabial folds and lips; chin reduction; neck liposuction; had her ears pinned back; a breast augmentation revision; liposuction on her waist, hips and inner and outer thighs; and a buttock augmentation.

(Hat tip to Godfreako ... whoever you are!)

Bob Bowersox Coming to ShopNBC

Ever since Bob Bowersox suddenly left QVC with only a short hostage goodbye video, he has become quite the thespian and screenplay writer down in Key West--but we haven't seen hide nor hair of Bob in home shopping land.

But nobody puts Bob in a corner!

Keep your eyes peeled for Bob to make his first appearance on ShopNBC Thursday of this week. After that, he'll be making regular weekend visits. Key West to Minneapolis ... that's quite a commute.

Supermodel Christie Brinkley Bringing Jewelry Line to QVC

According to the Ladies' Home Journal, Christie Brinkley, the seemingly ageless Cover Girl, is bringing her nature-inspired jewelry line, CeleBrate, to QVC.

You can take a look at her collection right now on Ross-Simons and ChristieBrinkleyJerelry.com.

Christie doesn't come to QVC to present the Total Gym (neither does Chuck Norris for that matter!), here's hoping she shows up to hawk her own jewelry. I just hate it when celebrities don't bother to show up to sell their own products. You gotta sing for your supper, y'all!

Is Patti Reilly Dancing with the Stars?

Was just asked to submit a demo reel for DWTS. In shock, WOW!

Yesterday, Patti Reilly allegedly tweeted that she was asked to submit a demo reel for Dancing with the Stars. This tweet heard round the home shopping world caused mass mayhem on both the QVC message boards and Queen Bea's inbox.

But then the tweet in question disappeared. Or, as some would insist, did it ever really exist?

Since I didn't get a screen shot of the original tweet, I had to go in through the back door. Here is a screen shot of all the people responding to Patti:

So either all these people just suddenly decided to respond with their congratulations for no reason whatsoever, or the tweet really happened and Patti went back later to delete it.

Patti can always be counted on to stir the pot, can't she?