Home Shopping Speed Dating

Now that homeschool is off of Spring break and back in session, Queen Bea has less time and energy to post all those funny and acerbic home shopping rants that you all have come to love ... or at least tolerate. So in an effort to prevent Queen Bea from taking another extended spectacle, here is a quick rundown of just some of the home shopping madness that has already started to pile up in the inbox.



Three things about this video: 1) I think Jeanne Bice and Isaac Mizrahi were separated at birth, 2) Jeanne sure knows how to make an entrance, and 3) what is up with the constant flow of IsaacMizrahiLive! TSV's? I realize that the Q dumped a lot of money into him--even building Isaac his own special studio--but too much of a good thing is never good. Let me break it down into simple home shopping terms: Even though Queen Bea would love to sit on the couch all day an eat an entire Isaac Mizrahi designed Junior's cheesecake while watching a Golden Girls marathon, doing so would make her feel very sick and not fit into her pants the next day.


QVC is looking for a real life doctor to pitch health and beauty products for them--actors need not apply. Could this be in response to the recent QVC-Andrew Lessman lawsuit? Interesting.


Pat James-Dementri's ex-husband, Vince Dementri, just got a new broadcasting job.Seems like this particular station is starting a rehab program for wayward newscasters. If you haven't already, check out what happened at his last job here.


Queen Bea has been a fan of QVC fashion designer Chloe Dao ever since her Project Runway days. However, in a recent interview Chloe Dao said that her high-end collection only goes to a size 10. Considering that the average American woman is a size 12/14, that really stinks. Apparently, only skinny rich ladies are welcome.


Liz Lange, that designer with the awesome maternity clothes line at Target, just launched a line of clothes on HSN for all us un-pregnant folks to enjoy. I love her Target stuff, so I'm holding out hope for this one.


QVC issed $500 million in bonds in order to pay down some bank debt. I will not pretend to be an expert on these types of financial dealings, but from what I read at several different sources, they are being described as "junk bonds." I guess Easy Pay only goes so far.


QVC's parent company, Liberty Media, was looking to buy HSN later this year (for real--read it here), but HSN's stock has been doing so well lately--up 50% since just January--that they might prove to big to buy.


Massillon Cable TV and Clear Picture were recently selected to receive $25,000, the grand prize in the 2009 QVC Affiliate Cross Channel Promotion Program for promoting QVC throughout the year. And do you know what they did with the prize? They donated it all to charities in their community. Good for them!!! In this day of corporate greed, it's wonderful to see a company do something so generous.


Sonia Bitton--whose name I love to try to say in her distinctive accent--launched a new website SoniaBLive.com where you can purchase daily and weekly specials of her high-end jewelry. Sonia Bitton has long been a staple jewelry designer at ShopNBC, but her luxury baubles did not match up with the new lower price point that ShopNBC was aiming for. Since the split from ShopNBC, Sonia has been on QVC-UK and even an Australian home shopping channel where she worked with none other than Queen Bea's favorite host--Charla Rines! Oh, Charla, how I miss you so! (I love Sonia and Charla, but why are they selling the Tacori Harlequin ring in Australia? Look for yourself! What's going on here?)

~

Has Jeanne Bice Lost Touch?

We all know that Jeanne Bice is no shrinking violet. In fact, she'd take that shrinking violet, slap a duck embroidered headband on it, bedazzle it with a rainbow of sequins, and light that sucker up with fiber optics just for good measure.

Personally, I like a sassy woman who deals in bawdy humor and witty retorts. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea, but it makes life--and home shopping--more interesting. So even though I'm not a Quacker, I've always loved Jeanne's eccentric personality.

Yesterday, however, she said something that even took me aback. Not because I was offended, but because her remark just seemed so insensitive and out-of-touch with the everyday lives of her customers.

I certainly don't begrudge Jeanne's success. She's earned it. But has she forgotten what it's like to live pay check to pay check, hoping and praying that you have enough to cover the bills and the unexpected expenses? Can she relate to the constant fears that all us working folk have every single day that we're gonna get a pink slip or the whole company will tank? It's scary out there. Especially right now.

During the presentation for her Quacker Factory Coral Reef Short Sleeve Cardigan (click link to watch QVC video), she talked about how important color is this season. That much is true. Historically, the worse the economy gets, the bolder the colors get. But I think Jeanne might have taken it a bit too far this time.

Here's a transcript of what she said (emphasis mine). Antonella made small interjections throughout, but I left those out.

"Guys, this is the summer you're gonna want color, color, color, color. They say as the world is trying to pound us down, the way women retaliate, they put on color. And they just wear the brighter the color, the better we feel. I know it! You can not listen to what they're ... you know ... they're talking about 'oh, I've been downsized.' If I hear one more person say, 'Oh my husband's been downsized. He's 55, what is he gonna do?' My dream did not come true til I was 60 years old. So ... you know ... wear bright colors. Don't let the newscasters get you down. Really ... think about it people. It's all in our head. It's what we make it. Wear bright colors and stand up for yourself and say look at me."

I'm just guessing, but if your husband just got laid off, you probably aren't interested in spending $46.14 plus $5.97 S&H for a sweater, no matter how bright the color is.

What do you think? Was it just an inspirational sales spiel gone awry or has Jeanne lost touch?

Mike Rowe's Dirtiest Job

Dirty, clean, or otherwise, I have a bit of a thing for Mike Rowe. There's just something about that smart ass, opera-singing, oh-so-dirty manly man, former QVC huckster that definitely puts the Quack in my Factory! (Could you even imagine him with Jeanne Bice??? Hah!)

You know, I'm pretty sure that this blog is a dirty job. He should consider stopping by and giving it a whirl.

Check him out making fun of his old job at the Q ... only 9 easy payments!

Mental Health Break with Jeanne Bice

With all the terrible news coming out today, I thought we could all use a little pick-me-up courtesy of Jeanne Bice ...

The Reviews Are In!

I recently asked all you lovely ladies (and gentlemen, of course) for your honest opinion about that time-honored home shopping tradition of on-air testimonials. Boy do y’all have some strong opinions!

What was the overwhelming response? How shall I put this … well, here are just a few quotes. I think you’ll get the picture pretty quickly.


“Dumb, dumb, dumb. Does anyone ever call and say this sucks?”

“I hate them like a Yankee Fan hates the Red Sox.”

“I tune them out or press the mute button. They bore me to death.”

“Hate them. Especially … the death call.”

“These calls are usually painful to listen to. Sometimes these testimonials force me to change the channel or mute the TV...I can't tolerate them.”

“I usually turn the channel when the callers start talking...”

“I dislike callers gushing over the hosts, providing sensitive personal information, saying "Hi" to someone in the next room, or just plain blabbing too much.”


Don’t beat around the bush now, tell me how you really feel!

There were several comments about how the exchanges make the hosts and vendors uncomfortable, to the point that you can’t watch (or at least mute it until the train wreck is over). I have to admit that when a caller starts talking about an illness or death (the oh-so-dreaded “death call”), I will physically dive for the remote control. I just can’t change the channel fast enough!

One reader pointed out the she preferred watching ShopNBC and Jewelry Television because they had few to no on-air testimonials. I wonder if they are doing this on purpose, or they just can’t get anyone to talk to them!

There were complaints all around that they were simply pointless and boring because you already knew ahead of time that the caller was going to rave about the product. As one reader said, “I am always waiting for someone to call up and say how much they DON'T like something or a caller who says that the workmanship on the QVC clothes has gone down hill over the years. Someone who will say how so NOT on trend their clothing is. That would be interesting.”

I have seen a handful of negative calls—although they are few and far between—and the “uncomfortable” factor just shoots through the roof as the host and vendor’s worst fears are realized on live television.

I had a few people tell me that they enjoyed listening to callers when certain vendors, like Joan Rivers and Jeanne Bice, were there because they try to make everything fun and entertaining. I think there is really something to this. It takes a certain type of person to be able to artfully handle off-the-cuff conversations with complete strangers while trying to sell products. This isn’t a skill that most people have. Joan not only is blessed with natural wit, she can also draw from her years of experience dealing with hecklers while doing her stand-up comedy. How many hosts and vendors have that reservoir of experience?

In fairness, there was one positive remark: if the caller asked a relevant question about the product, and the host or vendor gave and informative response, the call is good. This, of course, ties into the new-fangled online questions that QVC is doing, which most of you seemed tentatively optimistic about. I think it has great potential since most of the questions are better and there isn’t a “cringe factor” going on. Maybe they need to spiff it up with some on-air graphics or something. I do think that they’re going in the right direction though.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this one email that made my snarky attitude come crashing down around me. I forget that there are many, many home shopping viewers that are elderly, shut-ins, and lonely people. I forget that they feel like they have a real bond with the hosts and vendors.

“I am vaguely embarrassed by the on-air testimonials on home shopping channels...but I see they fill a need for some women who are lonely and just want to talk to someone and have some attention paid to them. My mother *adores* getting to speak to her favorite hosts and their guests on QVC. She is always talking about them to me like they are her personal friends and how sweet they are...in my cynicism I see how caught up she is while these people could care less. It is only part of their jobs.”

I’m left wondering if these calls are harmless entertainment that provides some level of company or comfort to those that don’t otherwise have it—or—if these people are being horribly manipulated and mistreated into spending their money. I don’t have an answer, but I will leave you with some words of wisdom that this wonderful reader sent me.

“The bigger lesson here is: cultivate your own interests, because you can't count on your children or a home shopping host to be your constant companions. Growing old gracefully means that you have hobbies you enjoy, good friends, and the ability to reach outside yourself to the world around you. I don't want to live my later years with the QVC host as the only person I've talked to all day.”

Throw a Duck a Bone

Quack! Quack!

In celebration of Jeanne's well-deserved award from "The Soup," here's one of my favorite quacker moments ... those darling duckies are a naughty, naughty bunch, aren't they?




"They look like a bunch of little hard-ons!"


Be sure to catch Jeanne on "The Soup" tonight!

Shopping Around

• Jessica Alba spoofs home shopping in support of a Declare Yourself, "a national nonpartisan, nonprofit campaign to empower and encourage every eligible 18-year-old in America to register and vote in the presidential primaries and 2008 presidential election." Check out the video of Jessica selling muzzle masks here. Even if you don't, please make sure that you are registered to vote!

• Anthony Heywood from QVC UK talks about his visit across the pond, lunch with Davania, and Jeanne Bice forcing him to make an appearance on camera. They like to call it Qgossip.

• Greg Maffei, CEO of Liberty Media (which owns all of QVC and part of HSN--I think--this might have changed since HSN broke off from its parent company), talks about how the economy and the bailout will affect their business. Read the Rocky Mountain News interview here.

• I can not look at this due to being in a twelve step program for scrapper addicts, but feel free to check out a preview of new scrapping stuff from Laura at Glitz Designs here and here. She'll be on HSN on 10/8/08.

• JTV is trying to pull themselves out of the cheese and evolve into a real home shopping network--the economy and lawsuits are just slowing them down a bit. However, starting October 15th, Jewelry Television will be launching in high definition (HD) in a brand new studio with brand spankin' new graphics. (Just one minor problem--they don't have any distribution deals yet for the HD, but they are working on that.) Read the article here.

• Here is another article on JTV, which I do not understand. It seems to be written in code. Are they talking about fake online reviews and articles? I can't tell, but it sounds shady.

Tales from a Couple of Home Shopping Boobs

Today's Blue Plate Specials ... Quack! Quack! Oink! Oink!

I would have been in fake diamond heaven last night between Discover Diamonique and the Victoria Wieck Anniversary if I wouldn't have been so sucked into those Olympic gymnastics. Sorry fake diamond peddlers. I'll be back. It was just a fling. I swear. It'll never happen again.

The QVC TSV(s) are (in no particular order) a Quacker Factory Retro Waffle Knit Studded Shirt & Jeannes Set and a Paula Deen's Smithfield 7lb Sampler: Pork, Wings, Ham Sausage & Ribs.

I just want to say up front that I find both Jeanne and Paula highly entertaining (not to mention smart and talented). And being a Southern lady myself (well, Southern at least), I can relate. However, having the two of them together for a dual TSV just seems to ... well ... I'm having trouble being snarky without being downright offensive. Ok, how about this ... people who watch the Q today could possibly think that the QVC customers might have something in common with this lady:

I'm just gonna move on now ...

Anyway, to celebrate the 21st Anniversary of the Today's Special Value (otherwise known as the TSV), the Q is offering free shipping on all the TSV's this week. Not to mention on the extra bonus TSV (isn't that called a Hot Pick? I'm confused.) I think that free booze would be more appropriate for the 21st anniversary. Get Sandra Lee on and have her whip up a special drink. It's always cocktail time with Sandra!

The HSN TS is the Youthful Essence Microdermabrasion Double-Up Kit by Susan Lucci. The Youthful Essence products seem to get good reviews, but to me it seems like the poor man's Clarisonic (not that I have a Clarisonic).

The ShopNBC OTV is the Sony U73T GPS Navigation System with Carry Case. Now, I'm no GPS expert, but I do know how to Google. It's cheaper at Circuit City, but you don't get any Value Pays.

No Soup For You!!!

So I just found out that last year HSN invited--yes, invited!--Joel McHale from E!'s The Soup to come and play on their set on live TV for a while. And by play on their set I really mean harass the hosts and vendors with inappropriate jokes about urine and cocaine. For some strange reason, they never invited him back again! I can't imagine why not.

I hold out hope that one day the Q will let him come on with Jeanne Bice. Oh, to dream the impossible dream! That would be a Tale from Home Shopping if there ever was one. Quack! Quack! :-)

Tales from Home Shopping ... Is Your Bandana Tingling?

Blue Plate Special Daily Round Up

The Q is quack-quack-quackin' up a storm with their Quacker Factory TSV. I'm not a Quacker, but if you are, this 4-piece set is probably a good deal. Honestly though, I think it's a little too tame--if you're gonna quack, QUACK LOUD! QUACK PROUD! Go for the rhinestone-encrusted golden duck ... get the fiber optic light-up Christmas sweater, for the love of all that quacks! (I was actually quite tempted to get that one! What fun!). BTW, if you haven't seen Jeanne Bice's recent slip of the tongue, check it out here.

It's Suzanne Somers day on HSN! She's breaking out her signature trilliant-cut faux diamonds. The goldtone rings (clear, lavender, or champagne) just aren't doing it for me. They look very uncomfortable and the "goldtone" scares me. However, that little "crown and tiara" ring set looks perfect for the Queen Bea of Home Shopping ... I mean, it's got it all! A crown, a tiara, fake diamonds, goldtone, and it's made by Suzanne Somers! It doesn't get much cheesier than that, chickadees!

ShopNBC ... ShopNBC ... what is wrong with them lately?! Their OTV is a classic-looking Pearlfection simulated South Sea pearl necklace, bracelet, and stud earring set. Measuring in at a whopping 14mm, the pearls are absolutely ginormous--think The Flintstones. The set is pretty and looks well made (I particularly like the clasp), so what's the problem?

Cultured pearls have gone waaaay down in price and up in size lately, so why charge almost $100 for fake pearls? I don't mind fake pearls, but the price should be significantly lower than the real-deal. I guess if you are a stickler for the pearls being absolutely perfectly round with no pits or rings, than this is the set for you.

Jewelry Television has free shipping on clearance items with the code DISCEMFS.

Last, but not least ... remember that chef on HSN, Scott Conant? He just opened Scarpetta, an Italian restaurant in New York City. A snooty review can be read here. Is Scott even still with HSN? I could only find 6 items on the website and they were all on clearance.

ShopNBC OTV: Fab Faux Art

Oil Painting w/ Antique-Inspired Rococo-Style Frame

Item# V36847
$99.96
4 ValuePays of $24.99
S&H $18.99 (wow ... that's steep)

Frame measures 31"L x 27"H x 3"W

So I guess ShopNBC is tierd of fake diamonds and wants to move onto fake art. There are three choices--all of which are "inspired" by a master all in an antique-looking Rococo-style resin frame that is distressed in gold paint (notice the use of key words like "looking" and "style." Typical!)

There are three choices:

"Moulin de la Galette" is inspired by Renoir's original Impressionist painting "Ball at the Moulan De La Gallette." You can view the original here, I noticed that every other website spelled the name differently. What's up with that ShopNBC editors?

"Wisteria" is inspired by Claude Monet's original Impressionist painting, "Wisteria." You can see the original here.

"Peonies and Sunflowers" is inspired by one of the masters of Impressionism, Vincent van Gogh. Here is one of his Sunflower paintings. They don't specify which one was the actual inspiration, so I'm just guessing.

Even though the paintings got rave reviews for their quality, personally, I'd rather buy from a local artist than one of these mass-produced pieces of faux-art.

This is from the Style at Home collection with Margie Commerford. She seems to have a similar story to Jeanne Bice (Head Quacker at QVC ... not HSN! Poor Jeanne can't remember where she works sometimes!) who started her $50 million dollar business selling clothes at flea markets: "We started our business from simple beginnings, selling stuffed animals from the back of our van in Miami." These woman are true inspirations.

Jeanne Bice Forgets Where Her Bread is Buttered! - UPDATE!

Head Quacker, Jeanne Bice of HSN ... oops, I mean QVC, (supposedly) has this response to her fax pas:

opps...they made a boo-boo i'm sure the world will see it no i am not going to hsn i will be on on tues and on mon at 5 pm with sharon for her ann. thanks for watching i did not get to preview the tape before they ran it and the moment i saw it i thought oh dea lord qvc will not like this so many people think they are one in the same now i am done jeanne

What about the part where she says "Home Shopping Network?" Did she mean to use the generic home shopping channel and messed up? And the post-production people didn't know the difference between any of the shopping channels?

Maybe Jeanne will adress the issue when she's on air. Maybe someone will call in and ask!

Quack! Quack!

Quck it Loud! Quak it Proud!

Jeanne Bice, Head Quack extraordinaire, wants your story:

Thank you for your interest in being a part of the Quacker Factory’s newest book project. This book is going to be different from the last two because we’re going to show you how to “pull yourself up by your bra straps” and learn how to put more “sparkle and shine” into your lives. And to make it even better, we’d love to hear from you, the Quackers, how Jeanne has helped you to do that in your life! Here’s what we’d like you to do: Please tell us in 1,000 words or less how Jeanne Bice and the Quacker Factory have made a positive impact in your life. Although we love to hear them, please do not send us tributes, essays or biographies for this project. We’re interested in life lessons, and how Jeanne & her philosophy have helped in your life. We’re interested in all your stories, but to help you get started we’d like to suggest any or all of the following topics: Girlfriends • Gratitude • Overcoming Adversity • Celebration Beauty • Family • Believing • Dreaming • Inspiration

Please send your stories to: Quacker Stories PO Box 273411 Boca Raton, FL 33427
Or email them to: tim@quackerfactory.com

Obviously we won’t have enough pages in this book to include every story, but if yours is selected we will send you a copy of the book personally signed and dedicated to you by Jeanne.

Thanks again for your interest. We’re so looking forward to your stories and here’s hoping you’re the next Quacker Star!

OMG! I totally want a signed copy! Love Jeanne! All I need is an inspirational story ... Queen Bea's gonna have to put her Diamonique-encrusted thinking crown on and mull this one over for a bit.

Queen Bea thought that we needed to spread a little Quacker love around today after all the negative HSN hoopla ... Keep Quacking!

Jeanne Bice Forgets Where Her Bread is Buttered!

Head Quacker at QVC, Jeanne Bice, did a special segment for the Crystal Cathedral's (Home of the Hour of Power) 2000th telecast where she seemed to completely forget that she sold her infamous Quacker Factory wares on the Q. She stated that she's been selling her Quacker Factory line on the Home Shopping Network (HSN) for fifteen years. Huh?

The segment even featured the HSN control room with HSN plastered on all the monitors. Is Jeanne plotting something? Leveraging a negotiation of some sort? She's always struck me as one smart cookie. Even my boyfriend, Rick Domeier, always compliments her smarts. Hmmm ...

Watch for yourself here. Scroll to the last segment--the one with her picture, of course.

Jeanne told a snippet of her inspirational life's story. She felt like she had the perfect life until her husband died when she was 40--apparently it was sudden and right in front of her. She had never had to work and thought that she had to have a man to support her. Then Dr. Schuller's Hour of Power inspired her to live her dream and let God be the man who supports her. She took her clothing creations to flea markets and then to ... HSN? Confused? Anyway, this lady took her little flea market business and turned it into a $50 million dollar empire. She. Is. No. Dummy.

Quack! Quack!