Barbie Looks Good for her Age

Like all aging celebrities who need to make a quick buck, Barbie is turning to home shopping to pawn her wares. Yes, she's a little stiff and plastic ... but, honestly, aren't they all???

QVC is selling the 50th Anniversary Barbie Generations of Dreams Collector Doll (pictured), which features Barbie all decked out in a huge dress assembled from pictures of herself throughout the years--like a wearable scrapbook. Barbie isn't known for being humble.

HSN also has several special edition Barbies for sale that are sort of reproductions of popular Barbies from the past. Although I have know idea why the Barbie and the Rockers doll was included. Everyone knows that was a total rip of Jem (who is truly outrages!)

Like all little girls, I had my fair share of Barbie's. And I was even lucky enough to have the Barbie Dream House with the real working elevator (yeah, I know you're jealous). However, I had a bit of a love/hate relationship with the plastic blond bombshell. In fact, I sorta pimped her out. But it was all very innocent! I swear!

You see, my neighbor, Greg, had every cool Star Wars toy ever made--with the exception of the Princess Leah action figure, which he thought was totally lame since she was a girl with big cinnamon buns on her head.

I wanted to play with the Millennium Falcon (Hello, Han Solo!), but Greg refused share. So, I did what any other girl would do and I offered to let him see my Barbie doll totally naked in exchange for the opportunity to play with his awesome Star Wars toys.

Greg immediately took me up on my offer.

What a sucker!

Once the clothes come off, Barbie and her nipple-less bazoombas are a total let down for curious boys. I thought everyone knew that.

After my Barbie participated in the world's oldest profession, life didn't get any better for her. My new puppy, Barney, systematically chewed all her hands and feet off, rendering Barbie unable to wear the mismatched pair of shoes I had stashed somewhere in the bottom of my toy box. After that, I just couldn't bring myself to play with her. Poor Barbie.

So, it's with mixed feelings that I wish Barbie a happy 50th anniversary. We can never live up to her high standards. I mean, who lives in a mansion in Malibu, wears couture clothing, works as a pediatrician while wearing high heels, drives a Corvette, and dates a closeted gay man for decades? Honestly!